Every day I think about how difficult it is to survive and thrive in our current world as a Muslim. Modernity comes alongside numerous advantages and at the same time profoundly significant-in the spiritual sense-disadvantages. The world is interconnected and it is relatively easier to acquire knowledge now compared to just ten years ago. It’s actually amazing how fast the world is evolving and that’s what scares me. I find myself losing my spirituality due to the fast-paced nature of the current world of consumerism, liberalism and capitalism. People live in the here and now and a person’s worth is measured in terms of material acquisitions leading to competitions in acquiring and amassing wealth. This distracts us from our true purpose in life, i.e. to worship Allah.
I have had deep thoughts on the way out of this conundrum. I can’t seem to find a way out. On finishing my service, my goal was to be free during Ramadhan and I didn’t make an effort to be gainfully employed since that will mean I will be working during the blessed month. My plans didn’t amount to much, I was actually free during Ramadhan but I wasn’t as productive as I hoped. There are times I wish I was financially buoyant enough to live out my life in relative seclusion worshipping Allah and attaining knowledge of the deen. However, the reality is that my current economic situation is not in favour of such a plan. I am having an existential crisis. I want to have worldly ambitions but I am always thinking of death and the hereafter, like in every waking moment. It’s not easy to have worldly goals and targets when one is in such a situation.
In this life, true Muslims are expected to always be between hope for the mercy of Allah and the fear of His punishment. The balance should be healthy. A person who commits sins all the time with the hope that Allah’s mercy is wide would be in for a huge shock in the hereafter, if he’s not careful. Likewise, a person who only thinks about Allah’s punishment may find himself giving up upon the realisation that such a person is only a flawed human who can’t be perfect and must therefore commit sins, knowingly or unknowingly. I also find myself between the extremes a times.
My life is full of thoughts and calculations. Right from my childhood, I had the feeling that I may not live long in this world. This significantly limited my life goals to just a few measured academic successes. Any new day I witness is considered a bonus. Living this way, it’s hard to maintain and pursue life goals. I know from the examples of illustrious sahabas like Abdurrahman Bn Auf that a person can be successful both in terms of worldly indices and that of the hereafter. But I always find myself relegating to the thought that one must choose one. In terms of choice, it’s not even a hard one for me. After all, there’s a reason I’ve kept myself single all this time. It’s the same reason I limit my interaction with the opposite sex.
A person reading this may think I’m always in a state of high iman. Quite the contrary. Many times I fall into despair and only see my bad side. Majority of the times, I’m just getting by. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s counting my blessings. I don’t do that in monetary terms as that could lead to me being ungrateful to the Almighty. I try to count all my blessings, ranging from the gifts of vision, hearing, my ability to work, my health, my family and my amazing friends who care so much about me. Having such thoughts keep me grounded and prevent me from falling into the depths of depression as I lead a very secluded life. Even among introverts, I’m sure my introversion is on the extreme side. I sometimes find incompatibility between what I consider to be my nature and the prescriptions of my deen. I am told to visit and maintain ties with relatives but I’m too busy living my life to even do that. I know it’s bad from the religious and social perspectives yet I find it hard to generate a good enough momentum to move myself to change that.
Despite my relative avoidance of people, I find it hard to say no to people who ask for my help. This is regardless of my relationship with the person, provided that I am in a condition to offer a helping hand. In a way, I am a contradiction.
With a relatively detailed explanation of my personality, I feel naked somehow. But I had to make the reveal in order to explain how the modern world is taking its toll on my spiritual health. It is far too easy to sin today. However hard I try to be a good person, I am constantly exposed to avenues that make sinning easy; the internet, the market, workplace, at home, the list is endless. I am someone who likes his privacy and one of the things I despise in this world is having my privacy violated. Being alone means being constantly faced with the temptations and machinations of shaitan. It is a constant struggle, one where you win some and unfortunately lose some. One thing I thank Allah for everyday is the fact that I always think of death and the hereafter, like I wrote earlier, in like almost every waking moment of mine. Though, it makes life harder in a way, it helps me put things in perspective most times. Even when my iman is weak and I fall to the entrapment of shaidan, I feel sad and think about how low I’ve gone despite my inability to stop myself. I can’t stop repeating this, my ultimate goal in life is to attain Jannah. Every other thing is secondary to me. The one reason I still struggle, albeit weakly, for worldly sustenance is because my pride won’t let me resort to living off others. In addition, on a close studying of the pillars of Islam, I realised that poor people only have three pillars, the remaining two pillars (zakat and hajj) are the sole preserve of the rich. I don’t particularly wish to be rich, I only desire a relatively comfortable life, a life where I can afford the basic necessities of life including the ability to make the sacred pilgrimage to Makkah. I will keep praying for clarity and purpose in my life.
From the foregoing, it is clear that I don’t have my life figured out. But that’s the beauty of life. No one has it all figured out. We are all struggling one way or another. I pray for guidance and direction as we try to navigate the murky waters of life in this modern age.
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