2020: New Year, Same Old Struggle

Immediately I found myself in 2020, I knew I was on a timeline. I would finish my service in the early months of the year and it won’t be easy to settle down afterwards.

Having all these considerations in mind, I drafted my plans for the year. The amazing thing about my life currently is that I care more about the afterlife than the current life. As a result, I made it my target to gain more knowledge in order to increase my iman. That’s the target.

The current challenge is to find a balance between striving for the dunya and attaining salvation in the akhirah. We are already in the second month of the year. I am at the cusp of finishing my national service and things are as dire as ever. I am on the brink of being introduced into the real world and in the real world, it is every man for himself.

At the moment, I care more about attaining beneficial knowledge. I want a situation where I fund my knowledge thirst using a job and I am open to all options. And this is why I have applied for locum jobs in different places. I want a situation where I get to choose the best if more than one pans out. In all my life, I have always kept myself secluded. I am not used to these power struggles and smart play. I have to utilise all my resources to get what I want. And I want so many things!

Though, I try hard to remove the love of wealth from my mind, I find it impossible to balance the fact that I need money to even afford the basic necessities of life. The question that then arises is how do you square this? I find it increasingly hard to accept that it is possible for one to maintain his iman in this modern world that is all about material accomplishment and vanity. Don’t get me wrong, I want the good things life has to offer, I just find it hard to balance the quest for the good things of life and the ultimate target of attaining paradise. This has been the main culprit for my apparent lack of ambition. My friends and loved ones claim that they see so much wasted potential in me but I on the other hand, don’t want to lose my hereafter for the dunya and here lies the conundrum!
As I plan for life after service, I think of the blessed month of Ramadan that is barely 60 days away. As Ramadan approaches, I want to increase my spirituality, but I find that spirituality increases with detaching oneself from the excessive love of material things of the dunya. I want to be in a place that is good for my deen and iman during Ramadan, if Allah spares my live and enables me see the time in good health.

My mind is always full of thoughts like these, most especially after every chance I encounter to improve my lot in life. It is a constant struggle. The struggle is even made harder by the reality of my not being free of sin. So, I am constantly afraid of losing the fight for the hereafter. Notwithstanding, there are always silver linings. Things always improve. Things could always be harder. And I am lucky to be part of the chosen generation (Q2:110). The struggles I go through daily is simply because life was not meant to be a bed of roses. Life was always meant to test us and prepare us for success in the afterlife. That is what I believe as a man of faith. As always, I end with a prayer, may the Almighty Allah grant us success in this world and most especially in the next.