BETWEEN HOPE AND FEAR: A MONTH OF TRIALS

I am so grateful to Allah for giving me the opportunity to witness the last day of the ninth Gregorian month of the year 2020. It has been an extremely challenging month.

We were greeted by an aggressive flood from the very first day of the month. Although we returned four days later, we were harassed by flash floods that remained in our front yard sometimes for days on end throughout the month. I have never experienced flood like this all my life. This year’s came when we were all at home for various reasons. Everyone had the full experience.

I learnt of my indecisiveness this month. I couldn’t take key decisions when they were presented to me. I would need to work on that. I also learnt about my lapse in spirituality. This is a work in progress and I am currently doing all I can to increase my consciousness of Allah. This is my most important project at the moment. Everything I am actively working on revolves around this.

I had numerous setbacks in this month on the spiritual front. And that’s the major cause of the fear. The hope resides in the knowledge that Allah is oft-forgiving and that with sincere intention on my path, Allah will aid me in my quest to conquer my weaknesses.

I intend to begin using the hijra calendar for all my calculations but I am encountering challenges, particularly the non-uniformity of the calendar, every place has its own count! Its really difficult. This is why I reluctantly use the Gregorian calendar. I will work around these challenges in sha Allah.

Days pass by so rapidly and I am afraid of waking up and realising that I am on my final day on the big blue ball. This is why I operate with a sense of urgency nowadays. I want to attain Jannah and for the life of me, I can't even force myself to have other goals at the moment. Even though I experienced losses in this month, I am convinced they were due to my sins. I will take those losses as a wake-up call. A chance for me to do better, be better. I envy those who are driven and have many worldly goals in addition to the ultimate goal. At the moment, I can’t bring myself to have such goals. Upon due introspection, I discovered that fear of failure and a pathological avoidance of interacting with people may be the key reasons for my general apathy.

My take home is that I need to increase my rituals. Pray more frequently, observe voluntary fasts and give charities when I am able. These acts will in sha Allah make me more closer to Allah and lead to my eventual reformation in sha Allah.

May Allah continue to guide and direct my affairs and keep me steadfast upon His deen in these trying times. Ameen.