My situation is specific. All through my 28 years of life, I have only had limited interactions with the XX folks, of course if you leave out my mum and my sister. There was a time I allowed academic challenges to discourage me from considering ever getting married. I happened to loosen up a bit after overcoming said challenges and studying the Qur'an a bit more. However my apprehension towards marriage and relationships (what I term haram relationships) continued. Anytime I look at the obstacles around getting married in my society, I develop cold feet.
I am particularly concerned about engaging in haram relationships prior to marriage and also participating in haram events prior to or during the marriage. I do not want to begin an important phase of my life with disobedience to Allah. How can I then expect my life afterwards to be blessed? This greatly discourages me.
Another important excuse I give is the expenses and the economic situation of the country. Wedding expenses are not for the faint-hearted and I happen to be one of the faint-hearted. I have a long list of excuses, trust me.
A frequent excuse I give is that I am not a model husband and I am afraid of not meeting the rights and expectations of a potential spouse. I cannot seem to find a good workable solution for this legitimate concern of mine! Another aspect of this specific concern is that there is hardly a lady that can be patient enough to live with a person with my outlook and disposition. I know myself. I know that I am not particularly ambitious when it comes to worldly affairs and that most women are super into materialism and I may not be able to keep up. In essence, it wont be fair to the woman who ends up stuck with me.
I also pose the excuse of degrading morality in society as a reason for my indifference towards marriage. It can be considered in two ways. The first is that I am afraid I may not find someone with the right level of taqwa and moral upbringing. This is very valid. The second is that I may fail in giving my future children (if Allah blesses me) the right tarbiyyah, due to the destruction of the moral fabric of society. I am even finding it difficult to discipline myself amidst all the temptation. Imagine how much more difficult it will be to train children in a society more depraved and more debauched than our current one.
I could list more and more reasons for my poor relationship with the opposite gender. But a significant reason was a passage we were taught in akhdary. It states that "it is prohibited to look at strange women and enjoy conversation with them". I took this literally and it resulted in me being single all my life thus far. I am hopeful that my single status is a good thing at least spiritually. Since at the minimum, I get to keep my chastity despite the society we live in today. Alhamdulillah.
Before dropping my pen today, I would love to discuss briefly on the issue of virginity according to the arewa marriage perspective. It is wrong to commit zina, regardless of your gender and somehow, society punishes women more. It is important to understand that the worldly consequence of zina is more apparent on women. They are more susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases/infections(stds/stis) and they are the only folks who can get pregnant (at least naturally-guys, the world has changed!). Pregnancy from zina can lead to devastating consequences for the married as it can dirty an entire lineage. The harms of zina are endless. And I repeat, it is a major sin regardless of the criminal's gender. We should try our utmost best to submit to Allah and keep our chastity solely for Allah's sake. I cannot blame guys who insist on getting married to virgins. I personally just hope to get someone with taqwa if I eventually marry. My belief is that the taqwa will mean she will keep her chastity just like I will strive to keep mine too in sha Allah. As such, to me, taqwa comes first. It takes care of everything. I will not put emphasis on virginity in sha Allah, if Allah shows me my time. Back to the guys. The reason I understand their insistence is "Paternity confidence". They would like to be sure that any child the woman they marry gives birth to, is theirs biologically. And to be sincere, a woman who has not engaged in zina before marriage is more likely to maintain her dignity after marriage, provided that she is Allah-conscious. So to each , his own. We cannot force people to change their choices and opinions but I can certainly advise the sisters to also insist on qualities they want in a husband, if they can. And there's no harm if they insist on virginity as one of the characteristics of their choice husbands. Like I said, to each , his own.
May Allah guide us to the right path.
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